god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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