i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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