i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
