Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
