I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
