true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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