you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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