You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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