She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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