is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
