dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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