My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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