They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I love you. Go after that dick
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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