uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Everyone says I win the strip club
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