I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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