stop calling my apartment porn island.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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