You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
