I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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