he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
