You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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