It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize