I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
