Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
