she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
