recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dignity is for republicans.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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