she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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