Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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