I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
