So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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