I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
