I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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