I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
