Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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