I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
