oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
