I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
