help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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