Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
