i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
