Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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