i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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