I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My balls are so social today.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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