I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
