Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How's work?
Spinning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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