He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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