Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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