It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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