Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
