One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
