I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
