is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
