I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
