So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
