Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
