i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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