i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
