just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize