Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
